Man Shower (or lack there of) in the Tenderloin tonight!
I being a prospective father-to-be, had a dear friend asked me what I might like to do by way of a man-shower. That is, a final hurrah in the bowels of venial male depravity. The man-shower idea is wonderful and the offer is kingly--one last chance to tear loose with the fellas before I dedicate the next couple decades of my life to making a corner of our world hospitable for a brand new person. As a tradition, it is something that I hope catches on, and as a gift from a friend, it is absolutely endearing.
But the fact of the matter is, in my time with my buddies I have done some seriously disturbing things. Be it riding illegal, high speed couches down International Blvd in Oakland at 4:AM and drunkenly hoisting our gin bottles at the confused looking pimps and hoes, or trying to kidnap a hapless chicken in broad daylight while dressed like 7 different Anna Nicole Smiths, or washing the blood off of the "safety equipment" with scotch so that Smash Truck could continue usual operation "safely", it has been an epic ride with many good friends.
But when my buddy suggested the man-shower I became a bit concerned. If such ludicrous revelry has actually become the norm, what on earth am I to do to stave off those wanton desires for cross dressing, cocaine fueled poker nights for the next 7000 days?
I realized that a party is not what I needed. I needed something more. Something that I could never justify again, outside of this pretext. Something that my lovely wife will never want anything to do with. And then, I knew what that thing was.
Many months ago she and I were wandering home through the Tenderloin quite late at night. It is a place that is vividly alive with the riffraff of petty (and not-so-petty) street crime. For more than a century and a half, it has been filled with derelicts, prostitutes, wackos, and more, living it up true SF style. And at 3:AM on a weekend, it is still a full scale circus. It was then that I got the idea to to dress up like one of these locals and attempt acceptance in some small way. Excitedly I told Juniper about this idea and her response was succinct.
"If you do that", she said "I'm not letting you back into the house until you've had three showers. Better yet, I don't even want to be in town."
And that was that.
Until the man-shower was proposed.
As it turns out, Juniper is flying back to Denver this weekend to attend her baby shower.
And it's going to be a hell of a night in the Tenderloin.
A few people have expressed interest in joining us. Others have said that they would at least like to meet up with us at a bar sometime during.
The current list of musts reads as such:
Dress up like homeless people in costumes that are good enough to stand up to the scrutiny of cops and hobos alike.
Panhandle enough money in Union Square to buy either A) An hour at a pay by the hour hotel, or B) a jug of McCormick's Vodka and take them three blocks to the 'loin (either of which are likely to be donated to someone who would really know how to use it)
Try and get a room at the Hilton.
Get kicked out of the Westfield.
Meet up at a bar to drink with our more civilized friends.
Try and sell miscellaneous items out of a cart.
Make a reservation at a 5 star restaurant before hand and try and get them to honor it. Order only malt liquor if they do.
Try and get massages at any one of the all night parlors.
Preach Revelations (because it is the end of the world after all)
Document the entire night using secret HD cams.
Try our very best not to get stabbed.
Stay tuned to ethersmith on Facebook and Twitter for the live account, or check back to this blog for the video, assuming we do not meet our end.
Posted: May 21st, 2011 under Uncategorized.